First flight......?
As someone who's traveled roughly a few gazillion miles over the course of my career, - I've spent decades flying around the US, Canada, Central America, and the Caribbean. Not so much in South America. But tons of long-haul flights to, within, and between Europe, Africa, The Middle East, South & Southeast Asia, and East Asia. I've traveled to, and traipsed around and through, some of the most un-Godly places on earth. Some of that was fun, on vacations and holidays and the like. But an awful lot of it was hard work; going to one meeting in Cairo, to another in London, then to a dinner in Boston, two more days of meetings in Houston, and overnight flight back to Rome for a presentation, before returning home to Abu Dhabi, all in the span of ten days. As you might imagine, I have little tolerance for "amateur" travelers. And even if you argue that there are no hard and fast rules for traveling, there's something called common-fucking-sense, or CFS!
And to put some of that CFS into perspective, let's just look at a short list of off-pissing actions, inactions, and attitudes that you need to stow in your briefcase, purse, backpack, knapsack, or wallet, and spare all of your fellow travelers the agony of hearing, watching, or feeling whatever it is you believe will be either a crowd pleaser, a show stopper, or a sympathy grabber.
The Short List
- Dress appropriately - if you're wearing flip-flops don't bitch if somebody steps on your toes. And if you insist on wearing your baseball hat backwards or sideways, you'll continue to look stupid even if you try to speak.
- At Check-in, when the lines are long, don't wander over to the First Class Check-in (or Premier, or VIP, or whatever your airline calls it), acting like you're lost, and hoping that someone will take pity and quickly run you through check in. A savvy Airline check-in person will simply redirect you - "the Economy Check-in is over there..." - as they should, and now you've not only held up those with the privilege to actually be in that VIP line, but you've lost your place in the Economy line as well, asshole.
- Don't beg for upgrades - you sound like a whiney cheapskate, and nobody gives a shit if you claim that you're "always upgraded!" Nor is anyone impressed with your claim that "I always fly this airline!" Chances are, the person at the check-in counter has a computer that tells them exactly who you are, how often you fly with them, and in what class. Remember: you're begging, you're not impressing anyone, so put the attitude in your pocket.
- If your bags are overweight, pay the fee and get over it. You should know what the baggage allowances are and know what your bags weigh. The penalty for ignorance can be steep. And, you're holding up the line, asshole!
- The person at the gate isn't flying the plane, and doesn't own the airline. If the plane is late or oversold, it's not because the gate personnel conspired to make that happen just to piss you off. Be firm, but be polite. Remember, there is a little trick that Airline folks can roll out when a passenger gets unruly: it's called denied boarding. That can be unpleasant.
The Slightly Longer List
Preparation: pre-departure rituals, refreshment, and entertainment.....
Let's say your pre-flight routine is to take a little snooze in the waiting area, because that takes the edge off of your normally nervous demeanor after the cabin door is secured and locked. OK, but snooze quietly and in your own goddamned seat; not mine, and not with your head bobbing down toward the enormous tits of the fat old lady next to you. And if you can't sleep neatly and quietly - and every single human on earth
knows if
they normally drool and snore - then do everyone a favor and either stay the hell awake, or find a nearby empty waiting area, set an alarm, and hope for the best.
For those of you who must play video games or watch movies or put your personal computer through it's paces, do it quietly, and take the volume down until only YOU can hear it.
Same goes a triple shitload for the loud cell phone conversations! If you're that asshole who insists on talking in that super loud pretend business voice - where you're the Goddamned Boss, GODDAMNIT! - and your ordering people around, making brilliant judgments and suggestions, and talking about the trillion dollar deals you're handling - well, sit the fuck down and shut the fuck up! One: Nobody cares, and Two: Everybody knows you're full of shit. Because anyone who's actually the boss, and who's actually doing big deals, doesn't let anybody in on their conversations. Not ANYBODY, fool!
And if you're fortunate enough to be in an Airline Club (for most Domestic Flights), or the First or Business Class Lounges (for International Flights), act like you've been there before. Don't be a
rube, walking around with that sort of desperate "where's all the free shit?" look on your face. Most Airline Clubs and virtually
all First and Business Class Lounges serve free alcohol and some have snacks, sandwiches, and even hot food. But when the bartender says, "that'll be ten bucks, sport," forget about indignantly acting like you've never had to pay for a drink before. Smile, give him the ten bucks plus a two or three dollar tip, thank him and sit down. Be classy.
Yeah! We're leaving........
If you're "riding in the back of the bus" (i.e. you're ticket, which is clearly stamped with your seat number and your class of travel, says you're seated in coach/economy/steerage/or whatever your airline is calling it these days) try to remember that your seat is IN THE BACK; that's the opposite end of the aircraft from First Class, which is ALWAYS IN THE FRONT. And don't hesitate to get to your seat as quickly and efficiently as is reasonably possible. And take you matched luggage or shopping bags and other carry-on paraphernalia along with you, being exceedingly careful to avoid poking, stabbing, and thumping the arms, legs, and heads of those already seated.
If you board through the aircraft's middle door, make a quick right when you get on the plane. Economy Class is in that direction; in the back. That's why it's called "the back of the bus."
When you board the plane through the front door, don't stop in First Class (or Business/Club Class if there is such an option on your flight) to toss your carry-on shit into MY overhead space!
Now, normally, on a domestic flight, the people in First Class are loaded up first, and the Economy folks are last. Whether you agree with those logistics or not, that's just how it works. Live with it.
But, If you're on an international flight, a lot of the First and Business Class folks will board last, usually because they're in the First or Business Class Lounge gunning down one last tumbler of bourbon or goblet of wine before getting on the plane for more free booze; or they're finishing that last absolutely critical phone call with the grunts back in the office; or they're polishing the grammar in that proposal that
definitely has to go out today. Just because the First and Business Class dudes and babes aren't seated yet doesn't mean their overhead space is up for grabs. Put your head down, walk with purpose toward the back, and take your carry-on shit with you back to YOUR overhead space.
My wife recounts the story of a friend with whom she's traveled. Whenever her friend arrived at the row she was to be seated in, if there was luggage already stowed in what she considered to be
her overhead space, she'd politely ask passengers around her if the bags belonged to them. If the answer was "no," she'd take the contents out of the overhead, place it on the aisle floor, put her stuff into the overhead and take her seat. When the cabin crew asked passengers in the immediate vicinity, if the pile of shit in the aisle belonged to them, obviously, everyone said "ain't mine" or words to that effect, and invariably someone - usually from the back - had to come forward to claim it, then go through the process of finding another location to stow their shit.
A little note about pre-flight courtesy.......
On domestic flights, most planes (called
narrow body) have configurations where the First Class cabin has two seats on either side of the center aisle, and the Economy Cabin has either two seats right and three seats left, or three right and three left.
The first point is, if you come through the front door but you're seated in Row 35, you don't really need to be poking around and stooping down to read the aisle and seat numbers beginning in Row 2. And remember, the overhead space in Row 2 isn't intended for Row 35 carry-on. Eyes front, and walk purposefully toward Row 35. If the line isn't moving, don't rest your carry-on bag on the back of my seat or swing that backpack around like you're on your own private G-5. In fact, if you want to look and act like a pro, slip the backpack off as you enter the plane, before heading down the aisle. Carry it in front of you. It has plenty of straps, loops, and other hand-holds, do-dads and gizmos that allow you to do that. Be classy, not oafish.
The second point: whether your in Row 2 or Row 35, your seat number is clearly shown on your boarding pass. Try to figure that out before you actually get on the plane. Seat numbering (which is actually shown as
letters) is pretty easy to figure out. If you're standing in the front facing the back, the right side is numbered (
lettered) ABC and the left side is DEF) A and F are window seats and C and D are the aisle seats. If you're 35 A, you're in the back on the right window. Really, it's not rocket science. If you're on a
wide body type aircraft, just show your boarding pass to the flight attendant and they'll direct you to the quickest path to your seat.
Third, when you get to your designated row, that's where the courtesy begins again, only this time it's not accomplished by avoiding a backpack-induced death blow to an unsuspecting passenger, it's just being polite to the person (or people) in your row that you'll be sort of partnered with for the entire flight.
Simply announce that you're seated by the window, or if you have the aisle, just slide into your seat. No need to introduce yourself. In fact if your seat mate is already there and reading a magazine or book, or on his computer or playing a video game, or is otherwise occupied, no need to say or do anything. Just sit down and keep to yourself. If you're the first one to get to your seat, sit down but don't bother to buckle up, as you'll likely be un-buckling to let others into their seats.
And if your seat mate say's "hi," he's just being polite; it's not necessarily an invitation to engage in a discussion. In fact, resist the temptation to go much beyond the basic pleasantries. I, personally, don't like to talk to people on airplanes. Nobody. Not even great looking women. I should say,
especially not great looking women.
If women are great looking and they're in First or Business Class with me, I assume they're either married and have no interest in "chatting" with a scotch-swilling knuckle dragger who's either buried in a pile of business papers or a Tom Clancy novel, or she makes more money than me and has no interest in "chatting" with a scotch swilling knuckle dragger..... Well, you get the picture. Besides, it's too much work to talk to people, especially good looking women. You actually have to pay attention. You have to listen to what they're saying, and remember stuff. And, invariably, I am inclined to slip into what I call
the amazingly plain language of construction, where the word
fuck is the most commonly used noun, verb, adverb, descriptive adjective, gerund, participle, declaration, and interrogative. And aside from my wife, most beautiful women aren't familiar with the breadth of meanings and subtle nuances of, and therefore don't use, construction language in the company of strangers. Nor do strangers have the temerity to use such lingo in the presence of gorgeous babes. So, for me, it's too much like work.
And, I'm sure all those other passengers have semi-interesting lives, some of them have families, and many are probably smart. But, unless I work with the person seated next to me or they are already my friend, I'm not interested in speaking to them, since, chances are, I'll never see them again. And, I really don't need to hear about this person's family or that person's views on US economic policy, as a means of passing the time before my third scotch begins to tug my eyelids down over my cheeks, I push my seat back into a comfy six foot five inch bed and I'm dreaming about being in an orgy again with......who? Who the hell was that....? How many were there.....? Anyway, before I know it, we're on final approach to London, or was it Frankfurt?
So, the lesson here, kids, is - be quiet and amuse yourself with stuff you brought along for the trip - a book, some sort of magazine, or some dull shit from the office that you can read privately on your computer.
In-flight courtesies.....
If you're in the back, use the shitter in the back of the bus. There are usually at least two on domestic flights, and whole banks of them on international flights. But don't go wandering up into First to take a leak, or stand by the galley up front to chat up the flight crew. The crew doesn't appreciate it, and neither do the other passengers, particularly those in the front who are forced to stand behind you waiting to take a leak.
By the same token, if you're in First, try to act like you belong. I can remember, as a young guy who did his fair share of flights in Economy Class, watching some assholes who were in the front cabin, coming back into Coach, cocktail in hand, with that sort of better-than-thou smirk on their faces, as if to say,
I'm up there, and you're all back here.....now watch as I walk back up there and straight through that curtain into First Class.
Stay where you belong. In most cases, you got lucky, and you don't need to
lord it over anyone. You're company is paying for that First Class ticket, or your client is paying for it, or you struck it rich and you can afford to pay for it yourself. Good for you. Now sit down and shut the fuck up.
Same goes for the lucky ones who get upgraded to First or Business. You got lucky. Sit down and shut the fuck up. And, mostly keep it quiet because the guy sitting next to you there in First or Business probably paid full boat for his ticket, and the last thing he wants to do is congratulate you for getting upgraded. Your upgrade most likely happened because you were being recognized for your loyalty to the airline. Or - God forbid - the Airline somehow fucked up something they did (or didn't do) to or for you. Guess what? Nobody want's to hear the story. Nod to your new seatmate, sit down, and go to sleep.
And, for God's sake, be careful when you're moving in and out of your seat. Nobody - NOBODY - appreciates it when you're headed for the shitter and you grab the back of the seat in front of you and violently joggle, jiggle, and shake it back and forth like a Parkinson's patient working the bannister or railing at the VA. The person in that seat that you just "earthquaked" wakes up, and just as they're drifting back off to sleep, you make your fumbling return from the shitter and again rattle them back to reality.
PLEASE, use the arm rests and the back of your own seat to stabilize your fat ass if you're getting up to take a dump, a leak, fart, or just stroll around the aisles. Likewise, be courteous to your seatmates. No need to shake them out of a deep sleep just so you can get to the shitter as easily as possible. Do your gymnastics routine and gently step over their outstretched legs and feet. If the person is a light sleeper and wakes up, quietly apologize and continue to your intended destination. The objective here is
minimum disruption.
TIP: Whenever I travel in First Class, I usually request the last row window seat in the first class cabin. I can sleep anywhere at anytime, including standing up, so if I'm not reading or working on the flight, I push the seat back and sleep. With that back row window seat selection, there's nobody sitting behind you to rattle your seat once you've drifted off to dreamland.
Some airlines' international routes have seats in First and Business Class that are surrounded with a hard plastic shell, so seat-shaking usually isn't an issue. But each First and Business configuration is different, so if you're not already too drunk, keep the
minimum disruption idea in mind while you're in the air.
Overnight and Long-Haul flights....
I never begrudge a person their right to order a drink (or six) on a night flight, whether a domestic
Red Eye or an evening trans-Atlantic or trans-Pacific aviation marathon. And I therefore don't expect to hear anyone
tsk tsk when I order a few scotches after my
Welcome Aboard! glass of champagne, not that that happens, mind you. So, whether you elect to stay up all night and get bombed, or just quietly slip off to dreamland after a couple of drinks, that's your business not mine.
The real issues for most people on overnight and long-haul flights have to do with lights, lavatories, and video games.
First, the lights. In all cases, the cabin lights are dimmed for takeoff and landing, and in some cases, they're extinguished completely. In either case, all seats have an overhead (or over-the-shoulder) personal reading light. Unfortunately, the overhead type lights aren't quite as
personal as the name might imply. They often have a tendency to light up an area the size of your garage, so you really do need to be considerate of those seated next to you, and sometimes even across the aisles.
I was once on a flight from LA to Boston where the guy across from me in First Class was so pissed off at the woman next to him who complained about his reading light, that he began to methodically flip the overhead reading light on and off and on and off and on and off, etc., until the cabin crew offered to open the door and
de-plane him right there, at 38,000 feet. He stopped.
TIP: I've been using reading glasses, or
readers, that actually have two little battery-powered LED pin spots, one on each side of the frame, that I use for reading in bed. My wife got them for me a few years ago as a gag Christmas gift, but they actually work well. They provide focused light, so they're not obnoxious. They're so convenient, in fact, that I now have a whole collection of these things and find them indispensable for airplane travel. They can make you look like an alien Buddy Holly aficionado, but they do work.
Lavatories, shitters, pissers, etc. are next. The simple and very obvious rules are both simple and obvious. First, try to minimize your visits, even if that means you try to leak and dump at the same time. I traveled a few times with a guy from my office who said that, as a matter of personal hygiene, he wouldn't do both on a single visit to the lavatory. He'd rather go pee first, return to his seat, then go back a few minutes later to take a dump. Upon learning this piece of highly top secret intel, I refused to sit next to him ever again. In fact, I'd try to work my schedule so that we weren't even on the same flight, which got to be a little tricky when we were both headed for Amsterdam for the same meeting and there were only two ways to get there. And you know who you are, Bobby Wateveriznamewuz.
Second, if you don't absolutely need to go to the lavatory, sit the fuck down. Nobody's interested in the preening dudes who are either flexing their gym-approved physiques or showing off their really slick new travel outfits. So, unless you're a hot young babe with a knockout face and a body to match, nobody cares.
Then there is that same unnecessary distraction issue with electronic devices, whether phones, video gaming devices, iPADs, or computers. I realize there isn't much you can do with the light that the screens give off, but I KNOW FOR A FACT that there is something you can do about the whistles, bells, BOINNNNGs, THWAPPs, WHACKs, small arms and automatic weapons fire, and car crash sounds that these devices emit whenever the games are being played. That
something you can do is called HEADPHONES! Wear them.
HEY, we're there!!!
Etiquette dictates that passengers follow the instructions of the cabin crew when the plane arrives. That means,
Please, remain seated with your seatbelt fastened until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop AT THE GATE. Not before. I've been on flights in the Middle East, Africa, and South Asia where passengers were up and running for the doors practically the instant the wheels hit the tarmac! The first time that happened, it was a shock to my system, but not without some amusement as the pilots hit the brakes and the reverse thrusters at exactly the same moment and bodies from the back began to slide up through the First Class cabin. One time, a well dressed gentlemen seated next to me on one such flight turned to me and with a gold-toothed smile simply said, "zeez hoppen all zee times!"
In polite society, we're all expected to follow most of the rules most of the time. And one of the sort of unwritten rules is that you shouldn't feel compelled to push and shove while you're still on an airplane. I mean once you're on the ground, a little pushing and shoving can be a healthy and amusing release of the day's tensions, adding in some light fisticuffs for emphasis.
But while still on the plane, refrain. Let those people who are already in the aisle and walking past your row continue on their way. Don't butt in, even if you're in First Class and those in the aisle are obviously coming from the back of the bus. And if you're headed for the door, but there's someone who's in the aisle in front of you getting their shit together, wait, don't try to push past. DEEEEEEP BREATH.
The thing to keep in mind is that, on domestic flights, if you're lucky and your luggage actually made the trip with you, you'll still need to collect it. Not many people these days get on a cross-country
Red Eye or a long-haul flight with only carry-on baggage. And, if they only have carry-on, don't envy them, Feel bad for them. That could be all they have; all of their worldly possessions, jammed into an ugly little faded red nylon case with wheels and an extendable handle. And you? You're probably going to skip going to the office and go directly home, or to your hotel to raid the mini-fridge.
And if your on an intercontinental flight, you'll need to clear immigration before collecting you bags, then customs before entering the country or connecting to another flight. So, really, what's the rush? I say that, and yet I'm damned near trampled to death every time I get to the terminal, regardless of whether I'm at my destination, or making a connection.
The Thrilling Conclusion....The Summary....The End....Finis....
I am constantly reminded by my wife, my kids, my business associates, and my friends with whom I still travel, that (a) nobody flies First Class all the time; (b) most people don't know the so-called rules, nor do they care; and (c) they don't care about the so-called rules because the just don't fucking care about anything; it has nothing to do with a conspiracy to piss me off.
I don't buy any of that.
